Its not the fact that you can’t find happiness, its simply the fact that you don’t know what it looks like. You would have no idea of what it feels like.
Is it being happy with friends? or happy with yourself and who you are?, is it a marriage with wet kisses, and lovely dances in front of the TV? Is it bearing what you have? or it it accepting what you can’t change?
Where is she supposed to find happiness? With two parents who can’t decide if they love each other, can’t figure out why their together and if they want to say together for the sake of her mental state, or leave for the happiness of both their sake.
Where is she suppose to see happiness? where is it present when an Asian boy couldn't decide if he wanted her? if he loved her for all the things she offered him, little pieces of her heart, and broken down walls from her past.
These little things, or big things in her mind keeps her constantly looking, searching for happiness in all the wrong places. Between the legs of a white boy with daddy problems, she divides her legs, and places her fingers to her clit, as he watches she dares him to fuck her. A way to feel, feel like she’s whole, feel like someone wants her to be alive.
She lays in her bed at nights, as warm as it may be she feels cold inside. Striving for happiness in a place she can’t find, looking for answers in songs, and poems written for other people. Fighting wars in her head wishing there was a truce, hoping it doesn’t touch her heart, but praying it would challenge her thoughts.
She fights with the struggle of wanting to be alive, and loving the thought of being dead. I can’t tell you anything to change your mind, but happiness isn’t something you find my love, its something that comes naturally to you in due time.
Its late at night, and I can think of a million things good that you could be doing at this time, but putting a knife to your neck, or driving yourself off the I-635 bridge are the main things that comes to my head. In fear of all the bad that you could be doing, I text you to keep calm, giving myself certainty of your safety.
