Thoughts About A Friend

Its not the fact that you can’t find happiness, its simply the fact that you don’t know what it looks like. You would have no idea of what it feels like. 

Is it being happy with friends? or happy with yourself and who you are?, is it a marriage with wet kisses, and lovely dances in front of the TV? Is it bearing what you have? or it it accepting what you can’t change? 

Where is she supposed to find happiness? With two parents who can’t decide if they love each other, can’t figure out why their together and if they want to say together for the sake of her mental state, or leave for the happiness of both their sake. 

Where is she suppose to see happiness? where is it present when an Asian boy couldn't decide if he wanted her? if he loved her for all the things she offered him, little pieces of her heart, and broken down walls from her past. 

These little things, or big things in her mind keeps her constantly looking, searching for happiness in all the wrong places. Between the legs of a white boy with daddy problems, she divides her legs, and places her fingers to her clit, as he watches she dares him to fuck her. A way to feel, feel like she’s whole, feel like someone wants her to be alive. 

She lays in her bed at nights, as warm as it may be she feels cold inside. Striving for happiness in a place she can’t find, looking for answers in songs, and poems written for other people. Fighting wars in her head wishing there was a truce, hoping it doesn’t touch her heart, but praying it would challenge her thoughts. 

She fights with the struggle of wanting to be alive, and loving the thought of being dead. I can’t tell you anything to change your mind, but happiness isn’t something you find my love, its something that comes naturally to you in due time. 

Its late at night, and I can think of a million things good that you could be doing at this time, but putting a knife to your neck, or driving yourself off the I-635 bridge are the main things that comes to my head. In fear of all the bad that you could be doing, I text you to keep calm, giving myself certainty of your safety. 

Upside down thoughts

When I was 10 years old I met my mother
She said "How come you look like me, but you don't know who I am?"
I said "I don't know" and walked away"
It was my 10th birthday.

I constantly tell myself that you owe me nothing,
I constantly tell myself that I have a need,
an obligation,
to help you,
help you rebuild you're so called life.

So I try,
I make money,
and I hand every penny over to you
I kill myself to put a smile on my face
when I know deep down
I feel like breaking
in a million little pieces.

Sometimes I blame myself
for the fact that I'm weak
very weak
My brothers and sisters
would never do these things for you
they would never want to take care of you like I do
they would never give you money like I do
and still I'm at fault for something

Gosh,
I can never do anything right..

I want this summer,
I really want it.
I feel very much like I deserve it
excuse me for being selfish,
actually I'm not.

Cause every pay check
goes right back to you.

These things are my life,
you have complicated my life
and still I say you owe me nothing
and Still I stand up for you
Still I defend you
still I lie for you

and at the end of the day
it will never be enough

What's next the blood from my body
I'll collect it all in a glass
and have you drink it
maybe then you'll be
satisfied.

Little Old Me

I can't say that I've change
After all I'm still just little old me,
Writing poetry,
Still trying to be happy
Running from Reality,
Still fighting these Demons in my head
Trying to be bigger than myself,
Taking care of everyone & forgetting myself,
As always...
Doing what others want
Passing out second chances,
Not thinking for myself,
Letting people in
I'm still little old me...
Still broken and in pieces
Crazy in the head,
fighting battles I know I can never win,
making wishes on dimmed stars,
Hoping for a quick end
I'm still little old me
nothing more,
nothing less.

Givers and Takers

There's two kinds of people in this world,
Givers and Takers,
Ones who put themselves before others,
and ones who put others before them.

I ask a lot of questions...Maybe you can answer them all
what do you get out of constantly giving your heart to her?
with absolutely no response
What satisfaction do you get from her ripping you to pieces?
Spitting in your face time after time?
Kicking your legs from beneath
while laughing at you at the same time?

You're a Giver
I get that
But Ma'am please answer my questions

Is it because,
she's the only one you've ever truly loved?
Because your body aches to have her?
because your a sucker for foolish lovers?
Because if you try hard enough
then maybe she'll feel the same?

well maybe you might now how I feel sometimes...

You're a Giver
since you won't answer my questions
I'll take that as why.

honestly I have no respect for people like you
people who degrade others for their own self benefit
People who scream for love
but won't accept it as it sits in their face
People who think their better

But hey,
you're my friend
I won't judge you
We all got our demons.

You disgust me for more reason than one
The fact that your a wanna be player
that you blame your actions
on those of another person
You're a taker.

Then there's me...Another Giver
I can never give her enough love because your here,
because she loathes to be where you are
because for every waking moment she lays with me
you will always be roaming her mind

And I stay
because I hope if I do everything right
maybe just maybe she'll love me

But who am I kidding...She's a taker too...
she's just playing games,
and I'm the perfect little toy.

However I'm wising up now
Taking care of myself a little
Remembering my feelings too
not giving out so soon

Cause Givers need to set limits for themselves,
cause takers rarely ever do.

Relationship shit

I don't expect you to get everything, honestly I don't.
I don't expect you to be different from every other girl and make me happy 100% of the time.
I'm lying. I do expect you to be different, and I expect you to be just that.

Maybe its me with the problem.
Maybe I just rushed this relationship, and pushed it way too much
and now this is what I get for doing things too fast.
This is my punishment.
This is my hell.

I'd finished the fucking poem and continue to write
cause I swear its going to make me feel better
and I'd actually get some sleep.

However i'll face it.
Its pointless
my mind has been like this for weeks
My fears are slowly eating me alive
and sleep is way off into the distance
besides I'll get some and be up
again in no time for my slavery duty.

Fuck the writing,
the thoughts
the sleep
fuck everything as of right now
cause you don't know what you want,
and I can't fucking figure out if I'm still me...